Daring to be Vulnerable

Daring to be Vulnerable

Khen Lim, January 14 2018

Image source: Help Net Security

I doubt any of you know who my elder brother is. Between him and a bar of soap, you’d be more familiar with the latter. It might surprise you to hear that I feel pretty much the same. 

As brothers, we were close during our early childhood until further education beckoned. That was when we attended different universities. He went on to Engineering while I began with Economics and ended up with Journalism. Occasionally, we caught up with one another for the weekends but that was all.

I certainly wouldn’t say we were indifferent towards each other. He cared for me despite his busy schedule. But gradually he began to change. While as an engineering student, he began his double life as a part-time musician with the goal that one day, he’d make it big. That was when he had his first serious girlfriend, someone he really loved and someone our family was particularly fond of.

But unfortunately it was not to be. It was very tough on my brother when they broke up though he never revealed the extent in which he suffered. If not for his girlfriend, I’d known nothing about how he convulsed and vomited. Apparently he became so unwell that he stayed in bed for days, not wanting to see anyone. But even so, he never said anything about it. As far as he was concerned, there was nothing to talk about.

One late evening months later, we caught up with one another on the phone. We spoke about and shared many things usually concerning music. But when I turned to the topic of his breakup, he became guarded. I just wanted him to know that as brothers, he could confide anything in me. It was obvious that didn’t sit well with him and in his detached response, he said he was fine and there were no problems before closing the topic altogether.

I was stunned into silence but I did wonder what it’d take to turn him to mush and open up. How do you convince someone to soften up despite looking tough on the outside? Why do people think there’s value in acting and looking brave? And why can’t people just let go and let out their real feelings?

My brother’s inner feelings became even more impregnable as time went on. He did get married but his eventual divorce was again tough on him. Though this time, he didn’t convulse or vomit, he did lose a huge amount of money in the court settlement. 

No doubt, all divorces are a big deal including his but he blocked all of us from how he felt. We knew nothing of his anger, frustrations, disappointments and sadness because he wouldn’t reveal anything that would make him look… vulnerable.

I think his steadfast refusal to allow our parents into his pain and hurt became an emotionally broken experience for them. The more they tried, the further he moved away. He just refused to confront the skeletons in his own closet. Had it not been for his son – my nephew – who in confidence offered us a better glimpse at what had taken place, none of us could say we ever knew my brother.

Impregnable armour

The rich in China (Image source: South China Morning Post)

Over the years, my brother hardly changed. In fact years of relentless self-made success merely hardened him to the core and hid whatever chinks in his armour. And the same can also be said of his approach to work. No failures were visible. No mistakes were talked about. Nothing of that sort would ever see the light of day. 

He doesn’t reveal his unsuccessful projects. Nothing to talk here. Nothing to see either. Instead the only things we ever hear him mention were nothing but his successes, which on his yearly visits, he’d have much to talk about.

The competitive secular lifestyle demands us to not just feel good about ourselves but to also look successful in everyone’s eyes. We dress like a million bucks. We drive premium European cars that match our zealous ambitions and lofty station in life. Married or not, we have a significant other by our side like a trophy conquered and won.

We are then seen in places that ‘successful types’ (superrich and famous?) frequent so we may rub shoulders with them. All in all therefore, to show cracks in your outlook would be tantamount to professional suicide. For all intents and purposes, we are not to let go of our guard. At all times, we have to look the part. We define and epitomise success. We walk it. We live it. We breathe it.

Image source: Quora

Sometimes, cultural expectations also exact the same pressure. In certain Asian cultures, modesty is counterweighted by the obsessive desire for honour in the family. There is, it is said, no honour in being seen weak or vulnerable. When someone’s mistakes and failures are somehow known, some families believe there is only but shame to be had. And shame does not bring honour. 

Hence, it’s not a good omen to be seen as weak. Or vulnerable. Therefore, the family expectation is such that we are not to talk about our darker sides no matter the motive or reason. We cannot own up to anything but success and only success on the family’s terms.

Therefore when you’ve ‘made it’ in society, some cultural values place inordinate importance on being visibly successful. Drive a very flashy car and the costlier, the better. Wear Armani with Bally footwear and a nice expensive fragrance. Be seen at the Hippodrome with a lovely partner in hand. Fly first-class and let everyone on Facebook know. Show off your Cartier timepiece and tell people how expensive it is. All that sort of thing. But, of course, it hardly ever stops there.

To be successful, you need to act successful. That requires some boldness on your part. If you have a flashy European car, make sure people see it. So park it at the most obviously visible corner. Don’t sweat the small stuff – parking fines be damned. If you’re going to a swanky Chinese restaurant, ignore the No Smoking signs. Smoke and use one of the side plates as an ashtray. Talk aloud so others can hear your conversations.

When driving, make sure everyone knows you own the road. Hog it when you feel like it. Tailgate and intimidate others in the fast lane and incessantly flash your high beams to force the driver to cede to you. Oh, and of course, speed limits are for mere plebes and you’re not one of them. After all, why have such a fast car when you don’t exploit it? If the police apprehends you, just bribe them. Apparently, it works well especially if you are well heeled and connected.

In burnishing a super-successful image, invulnerability is important. While that means you don’t show any weaknesses, it also means you push yourself to look impressive in every possible way. All of the above examples are in abundance in Malaysia and it’s so bothersome because it’s fast becoming a norm here. And that is because many of today’s impressionable millennials find that very impressive. And desirable.

My brother doesn’t quite fit all of that into his lifestyle. Though he does drive a flashy European car and his new home certainly matches the prerequisite epicurean standards, he remains humble and grounded to a point. 

Yet his refusal to reveal his true self is very hard to understand. His son tells us he has no close friends and appears all but married to his career. That makes things even more mind-boggling because it means he has no emotionally expressible outlet. None of this make things easier for any of us to get close to him.

And in the end, I’m left to wonder if I know that bar of soap better than I know my brother.

How vulnerable are we?

Image source: thebodyisnotanapology.com

How do Christians deal with vulnerability? Like everyone else, we’re just as susceptible. And like them, we too don’t know all there is to know about life. Our knowledge is limited in every sense of the word and yet many behave as if they know everything. 

In fact, speaking of God, knowing the Bible at the back of our hands (if that were at all possible) doesn’t guarantee we can predict His movements, actions and decisions. In His infinite sovereignty, there lies our very finite scope of understanding.

We’re of course also physically limited. Even the strongest person in the world isn’t really all that strong. He certainly can’t run forever without stopping. He won’t last long swimming the entire Pacific Ocean without a rest. And something so physically small like pancreatic cancer can bring him down someone like Steve Jobs, known to his diehard fans as a demigod, in double quick time. 

Neither can he be everywhere at the same time. Not possible today or in the future and most certainly, not like God. To do what we can physically do best, we have to make correct choices. And that means we have limited strength.

In all our limited nature, we still face the onslaught of competitiveness in society. Whether we know it or not, we compete in getting better grades and jobs. We compete in being wealthier. We compete in having better homes. We even compete in getting our children better education so that they have better opportunities at life. For crying out loud, we were even competitive with our own siblings when we were young.

As a result, we become so compelled at stashing away our weaknesses in fear that we get found out. To safeguard our competitiveness, we cannot afford to show cracks in our composure. Imagine for a moment that you’re the person who wrote Psalm 88 in the Bible. 

Had you written it today with all the graphic details of doom and gloom, of despair and frustration and of disillusionment and forlornness, most people would probably stay away from you and that might include many of your friends. To be safe, your employer might even fire you in case you bring disrepute to them.

Heman the psalmist was the son of Joel, a corrupt and immoral person who accepted bribes and perverted justice (1 Sam 8). All things considered, it is quite possible that Heman, unlike his father, was morally upright. If that is the case, then he would have had a very tough time balancing between his desire to biblically honour his father and his rejection of the immorality he sees in him.

So, on the one hand, the shame he felt of his father’s corruption would have compounded on his struggles with depression. On the other hand, his sense of morality would have fuelled his desire to live as nobly and godly as possible. None of this was ever going to be easy and in the end, the strain on him would have pushed him to the limit. That is the context behind Psalm 88. You can read it here.

Like Job (Job 19:13,19) and Jeremiah (Lam 3:7), Heman is one of those biblical figures who is exceptionally vocal in their expressions of depression. The details are so agonising that they make for very difficult reading; ploughing through word by word, it’s easy for the reader to get depressed. 

The abomination of what Heman including Job and Jeremiah faced is unthinkable in today’s terms. And the pain and sorrow described are virtually impossible to imagine. So were someone like Heman to talk openly about this today, what would be the repercussions?

The disgraced Harvey Weinstein is great friends with the Clintons (Image source: BizPac Review)

The tremendous impact that society exacts on our vulnerable selves can be horrific. But then the price we pay if we keep hiding them can also be costlier. To get an idea of what they might feel like, look at the recent spades of sexual harassment accusations that have gone out of control in America, beginning with movie mogul Harvey Weinstein in October 2017.

These are famous people whose odious behaviour was finally exposed after years of concealment and the outcome has been very ugly. It’s been very tough on children and families. Wives have walked out on their conniving husbands and are looking for divorces. 

Having been found out, they have also lost their jobs and are shamed in public with no credible employment possibilities amidst the intense stigma. And all this from social media pressure alone. Other than lawsuits and in some cases, criminal investigations, there is no certainty as to how much worse all this can get.

Even as society would have us believe that weaknesses are best hidden, many churches prefer their leaders to be no less exemplifying, perfect in their demeanour, bountifully courageous with not a strand of hair loose. They are expected to be so free of blemishes that we might as well carry their halos in their shirt pockets wherever they go. 

People want to see them as completely resistant to temptation and sin. God forbid if they so much as get caught smoking or park their cars illegally or maybe even dress shabbily.

In the course of the many decades, many pastoral leaders have fallen from grace and this alone have brought heartbreaks to the Christian community worldwide. Some of these names continue to resonate throughout Christendom as a reminder of how hidden vulnerabilities once uncovered can be very destructive in more ways than one.

In case the reader needed reminding, some of these fallen names include Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Ted Haggard, Robert Tilton, Gilbert Deya, George Alan Rekers, Creflo Dollar, Eddie Long, Marcus Lamb and a long string of others. 

All of them have been caught in various acts of immorality ranging from child abduction, pornography, adultery, prostitution and extramarital affairs to homosexuality, fraud, embezzlement, corruption and domestic violence.

Facing shame under the intense public spotlight given such dismal and embarrassing circumstances have brought disillusionment to many Christians and the spill-over effect to the secular world has also been damaging. While they were once deemed the salt and light of the earth, they are not just a spent force but they also cast an embarrassing shadow over Christians today.

It is not difficult to understand why many Christians feel safer not to disclose their vulnerabilities but we are called to Christ for good reason and that is, we are to be “worthy to suffer shame for His Name” (Acts 5:41). The Gospel of Matthew stirs up an equally powerful reminder of this from his recording of Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount:

“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” (Mt 5:11-12, NIV)

Without a doubt these passages and many other similar ones attest to the suffering that Christians endure for Christ. This suffering has a purpose as Matthew 5:12 puts it – it is to gain us “reward in heaven” – and so, we cannot be immune to the harsh realities of contemporary life the way some Christians may think or hope for. So for those who still prefer the ‘comfort’ of concealment, I list here five problems though if you think about it, there are probably more:

-        Our weaknesses become uglier

When we find comfort in hiding our weaknesses, we also allow them the latitude to grow even more profound. In other words, they will get uglier. There are those who believe that if nothing is said about them, they may even indulge more in their weaknesses. A person with an alcoholic problem, for example, can drink more often in secrecy because he thinks he can hide it and not be shamed.

-        Dishonesty and hypocrisy creep in

Once we stash away our weaknesses, we worry less about people knowing them. What this means is that we can continue our Jekyll-and-Hyde personality complex. We can act holier-than-thou in church but resort to our darker persona outside of it. 

We can be dishonest with others as we are towards ourselves and it wouldn’t make an iota of difference. In turn, we become hypocrites, denouncing others for the same vulnerability that we have hidden within ourselves.

-        We become even more brazen

How long we keep our vulnerabilities under cover is critical also. Those who have buried then for a very long time get brazen. Cases in point are those who have recently been outed by the sexual harassment issue in America. 

In the case of Harvey Weinstein, he was living a triple-life as a movie mogul, a closeted sexual predator and a married man with children. By wielding his enormous power, he obviously never believed he would or could get caught and this makes people like him even more outrageous.

-        Disillusion and fallout will result

However, when we finally get caught and the can of worms open, the truth will be very ugly. Many untoward events will take place as we continue to see with the recent accusations of sexual harassments. 

When a church leader is outed, you can expect congregational fallout, disillusionment and possibly some will take flight never to return. At least a few of them might disavow themselves from the faith. You may even lose your family.

-        We cause others to stumble

To lose people because we hid and then got found out can’t be pleasing to God especially when it causes others to stumble. Being Christians mean we have a higher calling to conduct ourselves aboveboard. We are to be, in a word, exemplary. Our moral standards are supposedly the highest in the land. 

And we should be seen to reflect Christ, bringing glory to Him. But when our actions risk fellow Christians becoming unhinged, disillusioned and then leave the faith, then it is unacceptable. Worse, we become cynical testimonies to unbelievers who then use them to sneer and dismiss God.

In our Christian community, these five problems are serious because they also involve dishonesty, hypocrisy, lying, deception and stumbling. In no way do any of these problems tell us that it’s worth keeping our vulnerabilities hidden. Instead, they encourage us to open up and talk about them. While showing our vulnerability carries risks, hiding them pose even great dangers because inevitably you’d get found out.

Defining vulnerability

Image source: Scottish Dental magazine

To dare ourselves to be vulnerable is to partake in a Christian virtue that is often forgotten. It’s not even in any of the lists I’ve come across on the Internet. 

For example, an early century list of Christian virtues put up by a certain Aurelius Clemens Prudentius (348-c413AD) contained seven – charity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness and humility – but nothing on vulnerability. 

The Early Church fathers also list seven based on four classical cardinal virtues and three theological virtues – prudence, justice, temperance and courage followed by faith, hope and charity – but, again, misses out on vulnerability.

In the spirit of Christmas, the thematic Christ birth gives us another dimension into vulnerability. After all, when the Father decided that Jesus would come and save the world, He could have simply ask the Son to just descend from heaven and carry out His tasks. But that wasn’t the case. In fact, God had the Son born in a grotto and not in palatial grounds fitting for a Messiah.

With Jesus being born and not descended as a full-grown adult, God also chose the littlest and least human form to reveal Himself to all of us. He “made Himself nothing” (Php 2:7) and in that, He put aside all “the privileges of deity” to become human so that we may relate to Him.

Newborn babies are helpless and are completely dependent on others to sustain life. They need nurturing. They need food and drink. They need warmth and safety, and love. Jesus put Himself in this vulnerable position of having to depend on earthly parents to put Him through childhood to become a full-fledged adult. 

And through His growing up, Jesus experienced helplessness that put Him on the same level as all of us. But ironically, it is through the vulnerability of baby Jesus that the divine glory shines its light more brightly than anything else.

That is how the Father brought Jesus to us, not as fully developed adult but as a baby to grow up in our midst in all His humanness. He made Himself vulnerable in the most spectacular fashion by completely disarming us with His meekness and defencelessness. 

The Incarnation of God who comes to us in the human form of a baby is the ultimate manifestation of the law of the Universe and the message of Salvation.

What God is this who is omni-everything, the Creator of all lives in the grand scheme of things and who judges all and yet, allow Himself to be so vulnerable to us when He could have send His Son to fulfil everything in the grandest possible way fit for the King of kings? Is this how the Father’s message of unconditional love and compassion for us? Is this how He appeals to us, through human vulnerability?

And is this what the apostle Paul means when he wrote this to the Corinthians:

“This foolish plan of God is wiser than the wisest of human plans and God’s weakness is stronger than the greatest of human strengths.

“Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world’s eyes or powerful or wealthy when God called you. Instead God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And He chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God.” (1 Cor 1:25-29, NLT)

And for all that, let’s now have a look at how and why vulnerability fits into the Christian plan:

ONE: Vulnerability is human

Image source: Seventh Row

Don’t be like my brother. Be human instead. When you own up to your vulnerabilities, you lift your burden up. It lightens your load you’ve been carrying on your back and it allows you to move on without the heavy emotional baggage.

Owning up to our vulnerabilities not only speaks volumes of our personal integrity but it also helps fortify our inner resolve and bolster our confidence. But above all that, one important thing happens when we make our vulnerabilities known – we actually open the doors to Christ to lead us. In other words, we cede control of our lives to Him.

When people know of our vulnerabilities because we tell them, we become transparency to them. There is nothing to hinder our relationship to them. We’re no longer a curiosity or a mystery and people have no reason to be suspicious about us. 

And we don’t have to expend all that effort to pretend to be someone we aren’t. Instead, we can go on living real lives, being real people living in a real world the way God intends us to.

In the early days of my brother’s music career, I used to frequent his gigs, which were usually in pubs at that time. That was when my eyes opened to what I was told were things to expect when one wanted to be an accepted musician. Wearing earrings was the first shock because he wasn’t the type to do this (or so I thought) but bowing to peer pressure was something I hadn’t thought he would.

The second shock was worse and it came after the gig was over and all the band members had gathered upstairs. All of them sat in chairs arranged in a circle. With cans of beer in their hands, they chatted about the gig but that wasn’t all. They were also passing around a toke so every one of them took a puff and got high. When the toke came my way, I passed but surprisingly, my brother took a hit.

Sometimes, vulnerability reveals something very personal about each of us. When we really see ourselves for who we really are, we realise that we’re all broken people vainly trying to put up a picture-perfect image of our lives. We desperately want to belong. We live off the attractions of things outside of ourselves. 

We hate ourselves enough to want to be someone else because that’s how we think we can draw satisfaction from. We want our lives to be different from the one we have because we crave the kind of excitement that we’re unhappy we’re not getting. But then, we conveniently forget that our reality is a mixture of sin and grace, of shatteredness and redemption.

Being a Christian doesn’t mean we’re immune to all of this. Under no uncertain terms, we’re not much different. When we accepted and admitted Christ into our lives, God didn’t say it would be heaven on earth through all of our days. 

Instead, there’s no paradise here waiting to make our lives easier or our children better behaved. And He made absolutely no promises that we’d be free from all challenges, problems and difficulties. In fact, some might say it’s quite the opposite especially when we consider these examples from the Bible:

Noah was inebriated and partied naked even after God had delivered him and his family from a watery death. Moses was a murderer before God put him into ministry and saved His people from damnation. Jacob was raised from an unimaginably dysfunctional family with siblings that were all out to kill him. Judah slept with his daughter-in-law, Tamar, thinking (horrifically) that she was a prostitute.

David would’ve been the perfect king but things went all south once he saw Bathsheba bathing. His son, Solomon, though the wisest of men the Old Testament ever recorded, struggled with sex and women, plunging Israel into hedonistic pagan relationships. He was also no less cynical judging from the Book of Ecclesiastes. 

Even though Elijah brought off a potent and fiery display of God’s power against Baal and his priests, he recoiled and receded into self-pitying depression after Jezebel went after him. As for Jonah, he tried absconding as often as he could.

Peter denied Jesus as many times as He foretold. The disciple Thomas was still in denial, seeing Jesus with his own eyes until, that is, he felt His wounds. The apostle Paul elaborated on his insecurities in his second letter to the Corinthians. 

In fact not only were the Corinthians a good example of an early church steeped in dysfunctionality, early Christians were themselves sceptical of the resurrection (1 Cor 15).

Yet, just as God used every single one of them, He would also use us too. Fraught with human weaknesses, these powerful biblical characters weren’t too far from us. Just as we are weak, they were so but none of that deterred God from using broken people to do His will.

TWO: Vulnerability is emotionally healthy

Image source: The Good Men Project

It has to be mentally exhausting just to put up a show. And I’m not talking about being an entertainer on stage. I’m referring to how some put up acts for people just so their real self isn’t revealed. Be it for privacy reasons or not, fences are up. 

The moment someone is seen to probe, defences go on alert. When the conversation gets too close for comfort, they’d invariably find something else to talk about. The whole idea is to get people to lose scent of where they were headed.

In the marketing world, this preoccupation is akin to image branding and society has shaped it into one of great concern and importance. The need to hide our true self and show only our strengths has made us emotionally very highly strung so much so that in a fall from grace, the impact can be seismic in proportion. 

If or when that happens, we can look back at the years (if not decades, in some cases) of wasted piled-up effort and the enormous work involved in crafting all the concealment.

Back in the days of grinding through Economics at Monash University, I had a friend from Med School who’d loved to occasionally dine out as something to do during the odd weekends. Even so, we were poles apart in character and personality. 

I’d much prefer the informality of casual dressing but he was into dressing up and bringing along his cask or bottle. I had no qualms sticking to my drink of Coke but he had to get drunk to find meaning in the whole dining experience. If one bottle didn’t do it, he’d be ordering whatever it took to get him sloshed.

In the course of the evening, we’d have plenty to talk about but it was his haughtiness that became the focus. Once that began to emerge, he would start treating the waiting staff with disdain and with that stiff upper lip he put up, the evening would sour. 

I spent two years of my time at Monash doing the dining rounds with him as a friend. In that sense, I suffered fools fairly gladly but when I finally got tired of the pretences, I walked away from it all.

My friend put up an act because in gist, he hated his life. He found it boring and therefore, he was looking for an escape to get wasted. Being the only son and living with his aged and quietly withdrawn parents, he was acting in denial. 

And as he rejected his own personal identity, he decided he wanted to be someone else. He wanted a physically different appearance and eventually had a rhinoplasty done.

He craved a glittering nightlife and getting blind drunk was his rite of passage. It got so out of control that one night, he took things one step too far. With half-sloshed friends jam-packed into his tired old Beetle, he managed to roll it across the street in front of our residential college one quiet night. Miraculously none were injured but a few of them were taken by his outrageous behaviour and stopped hanging out with him.

Plenty of other people do worse than my friend. I know of many who sink themselves into serious debt just to look the part, burning through money they don’t have and then ending up living lives in the red for years to come. 

All because they yearned to be seen looking like a million bucks. But of course, the truth is they are anything but. The problem is they have this great big emotional struggle to own up to their own weaknesses.

People who spend so much time trying not to be themselves believe they can buy happiness and win friends this way. The more they obsess over images other than their own, they build walls to separate themselves from reality. As much as many believe they can impress others this way, equally as many think they can hide their weaknesses forever.

The irony is the more they keep running away from their weaknesses, the more they come back and bite. Forever doesn’t work here. It is temporary. When they rear up, it’s going to be when no one expected. That’s when we regret keeping quiet, realising that being vulnerable might not be a liability but instead, a form of liberation.

We no longer have to betray ourselves and become someone else. Now we can just dump our masks and walk away from all the pretentiousness. When we can be who we are, it’s like freeing ourselves from bondage and once we experience it, we’d realise what it could have been like if we hadn’t missed out on the real way to live our lives.

The apostle James offers us an invaluable advice here:

“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.” (Jms 5:16, NLT)

None of us need to face our vulnerabilities on our own. You can always talk to someone who cares and who also can help you spiritually with your faith. Preferably that person is a devout Christian as it’s hard to imagine an unbeliever in a secular world understand what you’ve been through from a spiritual perspective. When you find such a person, use him (or her) as a witness when you reveal your vulnerabilities to God. Ask him (or her) to pray with you and for your healing.

Remember that God will forgive you; to that, there is no doubt. But you also need to do one more thing – you must face up to your vulnerabilities be talking openly about them. 

If you’re a church leader, the pulpit is a suitable place to do it from but if you prefer to start small, make good use of your care (or cell) group. Talking openly will heal wounds within yourself and also others who can better understand your hurt. And they have the opportunity to support and encourage you through your recovery.

THREE: Vulnerabilities empowers spiritually

Image source: welldoing.org

In the days of my first church in Malaysia during the late Nineties, I attended a session during a weeknight where the topic of discussion centred on the importance of fatherly love. Much like how the Father loves us, He anoints all fathers on earth to love their families as well. 

But naturally, in families that are, for one reason or another, without fathers, the discussion wouldn’t be straightforward though an experienced pastoral leader would always be able to carry this topic through.

That pretty much summed up the broad nature of what was discussed. I was single at that time though I knew of a girl whose family of three sisters lacked a father figure because he left them for another woman, set up a new home and had children with her. 

Meanwhile their mother took the separation hard and became mentally impacted. In fact, all the girls in the family were so traumatised that they went on to live with their emotional scars intact, not understanding how this could happen let alone know how to handle their philandering father.

And so when it came questioning time, on their behalf, I asked a simple question, “What if the family lacked a father?” Considering their situation, this was a fitting and relevant question. The answer was furnished and nobody thought much beyond that. I, too, felt that at the very least, this family was placated.

In the following Sunday services, something was not quite right with one of my friends in church. Mysteriously, he became distant to me. He didn’t call me anymore. I couldn’t reach him. And he didn’t return my messages. It was as if he never knew me. When I asked his wife as well as sister-in-law who attended the same church, both seemed stumped.

As it turned out, I discovered that he took offence to what I asked simply because he too lacked a father in his family. I had no idea what happened to his father, neither did I realised an innocent question could turn out disastrously enough for him to sever our friendship. 

Furthermore, he never gave me a chance to explain. Had he come and confronted me with the issue, I would at least have had the opportunity to explain. The way he reacted was boorish and childish.

All of this left me thinking what I needed to do. One option was to simply walk away and not have anything to do with him anymore but that would be defeatist of me. Besides, our friendship meant something to me. The other option was to approach him and slug it out but that might not go down well. It was also not the best Christian solution. So I was left with only one other thing to do.

One night when our church had an outreach event, which all of us took part in, I noticed him sitting in the hallway on his own during a break. If there was an opportunity to resolve matters with him, this looked like the best one God opened for me. 

With a quick pray and a deep breath, I went to him and apologised for how I had hurt him though I certainly did explain the purpose for raising the question in the first place. Looking him in the eye, I then offered my hand to shake his, which he responded in kind.

To have apologised for something I’d never intended to do – not maliciously anyway – revealed my vulnerability. To have opened up like this invited potential condemnation because I made myself an easy target for him to take pot shots at. 

But with God’s grace, I accepted liability and having my weakness revealed like that actually felt liberating because the Holy Spirit empowered me. It made me truly feel God’s strength even when I was weak (2 Cor 12:9-11).

In turn, he later confessed that he was awed by my willingness to apologise. He was taken aback by the strength it took to apologise to him for something he admitted wasn’t intentional.

The apostle James says:

“God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” (Jms 4:6, NLT)

This was purely the work of God. His grace made the apology possible. In a situation like this, had I given in to my pride, I would never have apologised for something he didn’t deserve. Instead I would’ve just let our friendship die since that was what he wanted. But by humbling myself before God, I allowed Him to empower me to do the seemingly impossible.

The apostle Paul wrote:

“I came to you in weakness – timid and trembling. And my message and my preaching were very plain. Rather than using clever and persuasive speeches, I relied only on the power of the Holy Spirit.” (1 Cor 2:3-4, NLT)

The humble Paul considered himself the worst of sinners. In his letter to Timothy and also to the Corinthians, he pretty much said the same thing:

To Timothy:

“This is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it: ‘Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners’ – and I am the worst of them all. But God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of His great patience with even the worst sinners.” (1 Tim 1:15-16, NLT)

To the Corinthians:

“For I am the least of all the apostles. In fact, I’m not even worthy to be called an apostle after the way I persecuted God’s church.” (1 Cor 15:9, NLT)

Even as he denigrates himself, Paul remains the greatest of the apostles and arguably, the least of all sinners. In none of his writings does Paul ever once boast about himself except when he revealed his vulnerabilities to the church in Corinth:

“Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked. Once I spent a whole night and a day adrift at sea. I have travelled on many long journeys. I have faced danger from rivers and from robbers. I have faced danger from my own people, the Jews, as well as from the Gentiles. I have faced danger in the cities, in the deserts and on the seas. And I have faced danger from men who claim to be believers but are not. I have worked hard and long, enduring many sleepless nights. I have been hungry and thirsty and have often gone without food. I have shivered in the cold, without enough clothing to keep me warm.

“Then, besides all this, I have the daily burden of my concern for all the churches. Who is weak without my feeling that weakness? Who is led astray and I do not burn with anger? If I must boast, I would rather boast about the things that show how weak I am.” (2 Cor 11:25-30, NLT)

But as you can see, Paul isn’t boasting about himself. Instead he placed the spotlight rightly on God’s grace that flowed where there was nothing he could’ve done himself. 

Here is a person who never considered himself above or superior over anyone else. In his vulnerability, he suffered but even so, he merely thirsted for God’s grace to see him through.

FOUR: Vulnerability relates well

Image source: Navalent

Contemporary society has long been troubled by not just materialism and godlessness but there’s also the disturbing trend of pretending to be anybody but their own true selves. Fewer and fewer people are going to church while people are finding their latest iPhones to be more interesting than God, obviously interesting enough to suffer the cold of night just to be first to buy it from the store. Meanwhile down the street, women are busy shopping for clothes and doing up their hair to look like their favourite celebrities.

People feel the necessity to bury their personal self, not wanting to reveal much of who they are. There are those who do that because they don’t find enough of themselves to be proud of. Others do it because they simply have something to hide. 

Society hence has become a bal masqué where participants wear masquerade masks when they dance in order to hide one’s identity. With masks worn, people could say whatever they wanted to without revealing their identity. They could then express themselves without being judged. Or at least that was the aim.

This bal masqué complex exists today in the form of Internet-based social media networking where masquerading commonly happens. The most notorious place on the Internet is Facebook. Here, people can say or post anything they want even if it hurts others and they do that hiding behind masked identities, confident that no one would know who they are. Despite whatever claims to the contrary, no one needs to reveal their actual names and media moderation (or policing) is almost non-existent.

With false names and hidden identities, the Internet is rife with destructive fake news, rude behaviour and irresponsible writing, trolling, misrepresentation, false allegations, slander and malicious deception. Many of these turn up as scams, thefts, paedophilia, kidnapping, adultery, rapes, murders and cyberbullying. 

In some of these cases, people have been murdered and in others, children including adults have turned to suicide to gain relief. It’s when the law forces catch up with them that we’re surprised at who they are.

That same surprise can take place in church when our masks are removed and our vulnerabilities are on show. That would be the case if we were uncovered against our will. On the other hand, were we to openly reveal our weaknesses, people may still be shocked but only because they’re not used to such honesty and authenticity. 

Your willingness to be genuine will still take church members by surprise no matter what or how. And that’s why it remains a preciously powerful revelation to witness when someone takes the pulpit to willingly reveal his true nature.

I’ve always encouraged my students to listen to motivational speakers or read autobiographies of people who willingly open up about their failures and mistakes instead of hammering on about their successes. It’s not that the successes aren’t worth knowing; it’s just more important and compelling to learn about a person from a humility standpoint. 

Failures and mistakes paint a portrait of a humble person who will draw genuine respect from normal people like us. We can then feel that maybe we’re all not much different from one another.

Image source: Financial Times

Many motivational speakers mainly talk about their flashy successes, imagining themselves to be little gods immune from the kind of failures that we encounter. They talk about how to get rich in lesser days than we can imagine. They make it all sound so easy that all we ever need to do is to read his book or attend his seminars or register for his programme. Whatever it takes, trust this person and we’ll all be rich beyond our imagination. 

While I cannot speak for others, I myself don’t buy that. I don’t find such people to be sincere and I have very little interesting to want to emulate them. But find me one who speaks of genuine failures from his heart and I’d not only tip my hat to him but I’ll listen very attentively.

Let’s be honest – we’d all rather befriend those who are real and genuine than those we suspect are hiding something or perhaps sound too good to be true. We prefer those who speak from their hearts, exuding honesty and displaying compelling integrity. We like people to be transparent, who would willingly reveal their humble self and those who are replete with stories of failures.

Truth be told, we’d likely more humbled by those who reveal the bleakness of their lives in the midst of wrecked emotions. We’d sooner be silenced by someone who would stand up and tell us the storms in his life and how he’s struggling to overcome them. These are the people who are either unafraid to own their problems or be painted to a corner. They’re the ones who have nowhere to go than to come out in the open and let everything out.

On the other side are those we struggle to come to terms with. These are the ones who have been found out against their better judgement. They have been hiding for years but when exposed, they are quick to apologise and yet, many are convinced their apologies lack sincerity. After all, if they weren’t found out, would they have felt this apologetic?

Once exposed, people see them for who they are – those whose actions and words contradict one another. Hypocrisies are invariably always hard to accept especially when trust has been invested in the person for as long as they’ve been duped. Once discovered, that insincerity hurts.

In his first letter to the Thessalonians, the apostle Paul wrote,

“We loved you so much that we shared with you not only God’s Good News but our own lives too.” (1 Thes 2:8, NLT)

In the passage, Paul’s writes how he’s as eager to share the Gospel as he is in sharing one another’s lives. It is that latter part that lends gravity to what we’re talking. 

While the Gospel fills us with hope and optimism, sharing one another’s weaknesses offers nothing but awkwardness because what we normally reveal hardly flatters. But under the right circumstances and spiritual condition, talking about our weaknesses draws us closer together in mutual affection.

Rather than pitting strength against strength to rouse antagonism, competitiveness and jealousies that spill out into intense rivalries, we can share Paul’s vision in creating a caring community where there is much common love for one another. When we level each other out in weakness, we will come to realise that we’re all in this together.

FIVE: Vulnerability makes you a special leader

Australia's Kevin Rudd (Image source: The Conversation)

There’s simply no trusting a leader who is no more than a braggart and a deceiver. It is inconceivable that any of us can rely on anyone who has neither the moral fibre nor the sense of humility. 

But give us a trustworthy and caring leader who humbly avails himself and we’d give our right arm to follow. 

Nothing pleases people more than finding a leader whom they are willing to give their time to listen. Which all points to us that effective leadership and credibility do go hand in hand.

With vulnerability in leadership comes honesty, an increasingly rare trait these days anywhere in the world. And from it, leaders earn their trust and credibility. But this can’t be easy, given the kind of world we live in. 

To step out of one’s own comfort zone and do something like this requires exceptional boldness not to mention a good reason to want to be this bold. In other words, no one is so bold out of the blue. Neither do we find anyone who does so without thinking.

Kevin Rudd addresses the nation to apologise (Image source: ABC Splash)

In February 2008, that was what the then-Prime Minister of Australia, Kevin Rudd, did. Unlike any other Australian leader in the past, he did the unthinkable and formally apologised to the Aborigines for the many decades of mistreatment prior to the turn of the century. And by doing so, he opened floodgates for longstanding cultural wounds to begin to heal but first, a little bit of background behind this…

Up until 1970, various Australian governments used discriminatory policies to forcibly remove at least one hundred thousand of Australia’s indigenous children from their families, a move that had long since soured race relations and “stained the soul” of the nation. These victims soon became known as the ‘Stolen Generations’ and formed arguably the country’s single greatest wrongdoing of the past.

In issuing a highly-publicised apology, Mr Rudd also humbly sought forgiveness in return. For a world leader, that was unbelievable. In contrast, so few, if at all, modern-day Japanese leader has ever admitted to let alone apologised for the atrocities their country committed during the Second World War. 

From the local context, no leader before Rudd had come this far or done enough to bring unity to the people. In most cases, leaders had often cited other ‘more pressing priorities’ that were politically more important.

Yet of course, Mr Rudd’s action made him particularly more vulnerable. It potentially places him on the firing line of what reactions he might get from the native communities who might be out baying for everything from media-led toxic condemnation to massively costly compensation (lawsuits), political mileage and moral disparagements. 

And it might not end there soon enough too – some of these issues could drag on for years, long after Mr Rudd’s tenure is over. In other words, his honest action might have made his own government and political party vulnerable to all sorts of abuse.

The Aborigines acknowledge Rudd's apology (Image source: SBS)

I don’t say all this because I’m a big fan of Mr Rudd and his policies. In fact, I’m not. Though a party supporter three decades ago, I have since leaned conservative and have also come to value the reasons why. What needs to be said, though, is that his action was credible, humble and far-reaching. He certainly did more in this regard than any other Australian leader had ever done and quite likely, would’ve willingly done.

Apologies are very important in the political arena but in most cases, leaders are blind to it. They fail to see its far-reaching gains. Instead they view apologies as signs of weakness that their political opponents will use to bury them alive. 

Mr Rudd led by example and till today, there have been very few, if at all, who have equalled his feat. He set a precedent that challenges leaders the world over to set their pride aside and disregard political partisanship and instead, come to terms with the necessities in bringing together a fragmented world.

Without a doubt, Mr Rudd’s action would have been based on a decision that brewed over a long time. It couldn’t possibly have been an overnight whim. He would have thought long and hard about doing something as outrageous as this. 

Tears flow on Australia's National Sorry Day (Image source: The Age)

But in hindsight, it’s not difficult to see for ourselves how dearly he loved his own fellow Australians and how far he would go to heal a nation more so than anyone else in his own country. He went where others feared to tread.

The apostle Luke said in the Gospel:

“But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, offer the other cheek also. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also. Give to anyone who asks; and when things are taken away from you, don’t try to get them back. Do to others as you would like them to do to you.

“If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them! And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you get credit? Even sinners do that much! And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, why should you get credit? Even sinners will lend to other sinners for a full return.

“Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for He is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked. You must be compassionate just as your Father is compassionate.” (Lk 6:27-36, NLT)

If we Christians are to be a healthy example for others to emulate within or out of church, it must begin with each and every one of us. If we wish for others to open up, we must first do so ourselves. If we hope others can put away their masks and reveal their true selves so we may draw closer together, then we’d best be doing it first. 

The upshot of all this is we lead by example. 

Want others to be true to self? Gotta start with us first. Want change? Let’s be the change agent. Let’s offer others the right template for them to emulate.

SIX: Vulnerability impacts our evangelism

Image source: Thom Rainer

Very interestingly, both Christian and secular leaders in the past advocated the importance of being confident, fearless and staying in control. To sell ourselves, leaders have to be self-convicted but even more importantly, they cannot be seen to be weak. We’ve basically talked about this already earlier on and so there’s very little need to go on more.

Yet that’s the contrast we see in Jesus’ style of approach for He never took on any position of strength. Based on what we understand with the wisdom imparted by past leaders, the Son of God’s preaching should’ve been a disaster.

When Jesus preached, He did so without lording over those who listened to Him. From His trademark position of weakness, He was essentially the meek servant and not the brimstone-and-fire authoritarian that one might have expected of someone in His messianic role. It was Jesus who set the standard, one that dares us to be just as vulnerable as we proclaim to follow in His footsteps.

When Jesus spoke from a position of vulnerability, it strongly reflects His human nature. Vulnerability is a trait that comes in different forms. We can be physically vulnerable, not being able to scale the tallest mountains or cross the most treacherous seas. We won’t last the whole day driving without a rest and we’re never going to be able to go without food or water forever either. Physically, we are all vulnerable.

In intelligence terms, we may be pretty smart but someone in one of the four corners of the world will outdo us. We could be clever enough to fix the plumbing in our house but it doesn’t mean we can fix anything and everything else. We’re limited to what we know. What we don’t (know) makes us vulnerable.

We’re also limited in terms of how we’re psychologically made up. We’re not always sure of ourselves. We’re not confident enough all the time every time either. Even in our faith, we have doubts at times. We’re never always certain of how things will pan out and occasionally, even our trust in God can be vulnerable.

As humans, we’re infamously vulnerable in terms of our emotions. Women and men alike are emotional creatures. We go into pieces when our loved ones die. We go nuts when irritated beyond what we can cope with. We can laugh till our cheeks hurt with a joke we can’t resist. 

On the other side, you might want to stay clear if or when we wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Emotionally, we’re so vulnerable that it doesn’t take much to tip the balance and take advantage of how we feel.

Given the many guises of vulnerability, it makes us question what we do when we’re this weak. How can our evangelism – or outreach – be effective or appealing when we’re so vulnerable? When everyone – including leaders of the past – says that vulnerability is bad news, how unwise are we to proceed?

In the world beyond the church, people don’t broach on the subject of their vulnerabilities. It’s a no-no conversational topic. People reject such talk. They disown and distance themselves from it and they’d give excuses just so their weaknesses are not the focal point because at the end of the day, vulnerabilities are toxic. Anything but a show of strength is preferable.

But if we follow Christ, we can own up to our vulnerabilities and then ask the Lord to make good use of them in ways only He can just as the apostle Paul says to the Corinthians:

“Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time He said, ‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Cor 12:8-10, NLT)

In simple terms, God works through people in their weaknesses for then He displays His power very clearly and absolutely. Just when we are resigned to our weaknesses and vulnerabilities, in Christ we become strong and invulnerable. 

Even as wisdom over the ages suggests evangelism through strength, today, we embrace an evangelism that is more personal, more human, more in touch with the vulnerabilities of life itself. 

This is where divine strength in human weakness comes into its element best.

Image source: The Wesleyan Church

Spurgeon’s oratory power is never in doubt. It is impressive. If any of us emulate that, we can also be quite impressive from a distance but personal witnessing and the ability to tell a good story are more far-reaching. Both make for more effective evangelism. 

The great power of speech lifts people out of their skin but reaching into their hearts and impacting their conscience requires great testimonies and personal revelations. It is these that offer a more vibrant and stronger emotive appeal.

If you have a rich repertoire of personal experiences, use them to the fullest extent. Go talk about your personal struggles. Touch on your weaknesses and let others into your heart so they may see your scars. 

Offer them a window into your life. Let them learn how you’re progressing with your own vulnerabilities. Show them how you might slip at times but get lifted up by Christ. Reveal so others may gratefully hear of your lessons.

SEVEN: Vulnerability strengthens our resolve

Former double life sentence prisoner Danny Duchene turns pastor as he embraces Ps Rick Warren, Saddleback Church (Image source: Orange County Register)

If there’s anything that will reinforce our Christian poise, it is vulnerability. Not just any vulnerability but our Christian vulnerabilities. The more we appear to be vulnerable, the likelier we will appear genuine to others and the more probable people can relate to us.

Vulnerabilities are an integral aspect of humanity. They depict human frailties. They underscore how we are all limited. And they are why we have to deal with mortal failures. Vulnerabilities add depth to human character and they define every single scar tissue we collect throughout our struggles.

Nothing really describe a true Christian more than the trials he weathers throughout life. 

It is these trials that bring lessons concerning how our walk with Christ is continually being shaped. These trials are also an integral feature of our sanctification process as one after another, they help sharpen our focus on the cross. 

In other words, no one can call himself a Christian and yet have a perfectly blemish-free life. Vulnerabilities should therefore be part and parcel of every one who believes in and follows Christ.

As a Christian virtue, vulnerability seems forgotten or ignored. According to the National Catholic Register, the Early Church Fathers deemed the virtues to be prudence, justice, temperance, courage, faith, hope and charity. But not vulnerability. 

Almost three hundred years later, Aurelius Clemens Prudentius declared the virtues to be chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness and humility. Again, there’s no mention of vulnerability.

An article on the Internet by Carrie Lawrence quoted ten virtues comprising love, honesty, sexual morality, trust, kindness, faith, hope, charity, responsibility and compassion. Once again, vulnerability isn’t one of them. 

Cindy Bunch in Christianity Today lists her nine as faith, hope, love, wisdom, justice, courage, moderation, integrity and perseverance. Predictably, nowhere is vulnerability found. 

Greg Herrick wrote an article in Bible.org, listing holiness, love, faith, hope, wisdom, discernment, temperance, self-control, courage, faithfulness, peace and gentleness. Of course, vulnerability isn’t there.

No surprise then that vulnerability is often ignored or glossed over when it comes to Christian virtues. Yet, some of us believe that it is the backbone of our spiritual humanity and the better we understand and embrace it, the more likely it will come around to benefit us.

The vulnerable baby Jesus (Image source: Joined to Him)

Even when we are at our most vulnerable, we tend to forget two things:

Firstly God remains in control no matter what and secondly, when all is said and done, we continue to rely on Him even if unbelievers don’t openly admit it. As weak as we may find ourselves to be, God knows and is aware. 

That is why He keeps encouraging us to lean on His strength. He knows we will slip and fall. He knows the lure of the world can get the better of our measure. He understands how tough it is out there and often we need Someone we can rely on. That is why He is and will always be in control.

If we stop and just think… how God opens the way for us so that we can be where and when He wants us. He creates all these opportunities so that we may die to ourselves and be reborn in the Spirit of Christ. 

We die a little here and a little there with each trial we endure so that where we lose parts of ourselves, we gain more in Christ. 

This is most apparent when we are made to confront our broken spirit, our rejections, life’s big disappointments and our deeply wounded hearts.

Common wisdom would suggest that if we dismantle our pride and open ourselves up to scrutiny, we’re fodder for those who hate us. Weakened by our transparent nature, we are also defenceless. 

In our vulnerable self, we basically avail ourselves to being hurt, criticised, mocked and spat at. But wasn’t that what Christ ended up facing? That is why when we become vulnerable, God can then use us to and for His glory. This is why vulnerability helps break open opportunities for God’s will to be done.

Look at David and how he expresses his vulnerability in the Psalms. Here, he describes his fears and trembling despair. At that point he had nowhere else to go, no one to turn to who could help him except the Lord. And that pretty much sums it up for all of us because in many ways, we’re in the same boat. 

We too have nowhere else to go. After all, how can we escape all the world’s problems? Do we jump on the much-hyped SpaceX rocket and leave Earth altogether? Where do we go? Mars? Frankly, that’s laughable. And even if we did escape Earth and land in Mars, who do we talk to?

Image source: Desiring God

Never has Man been so obtuse about the meaning of life. As a human race, we’ve essentially lost a bulk of our ability to perceive the significance of God. Yet after two thousand years, He is still offering us the chance to come to Him. And that’s because He knows He is the only One who can fulfil the true longings of our broken hearts.

Unlike anyone else…

Only He can fill our emptiness and give us hope.

Only in His infinite strength can we cope with our weaknesses.

Only in His abounding love can we heal and recover from our hurt and pain.

Only in His boundless joy can we overcome our despair.

Only in His promise can we lift ourselves from hopelessness.

It is God’s nature to be our constant Giver and in that role, He is the perfect embodiment of true agape love. By sacrificing His Son to die on the cross for us, the Father’s masterstroke offered us a way back to Him where we can enjoy our ultimate gift that is, eternal life. 

Come to think of it, everything He does for us is because He loves us right from the beginning (1 Jn 4:19).

So, as vulnerable as we may end up making ourselves, God’s covered all our bases. He’s put a plan forward to use our vulnerabilities to bring glory to Him. In fact, the weaknesses of all Christians put together are like the spread of countless dots in the sky in which God would use to join them back to Him. 

In our vulnerabilities, we become a meaningful purpose to Him but first, we must offer them up to Him. We must therefore take the first step to go to Him first.

It is this first step that God sees as a golden opportunity to love us more.