Fatherhood in the Trust of God (Part 1 of 2)

Fatherhood in the Trust of God (Part 1 of 2)

A personal testimony to how God touched me in my love for my children

Khen Lim

Image source: Daily Star

It’s April 2017. Being the beginning of the fourth month, that’s exactly one-third point into the year and yet our very small family has already its fair share of events to deal with. Life, as they say, is a journey full of events but being confined by limited hands on deck, ours was even more severely impacted in recent times.

Recently I wrote about my father’s time at the ICU. That took place a little more than a month ago. Not long after my dad was discharged, my wife was stricken with dengue fever, a mosquito-borne disease very common in this neck of the woods. 

In our neighbourhood, dengue fever has been rife over the last few years. Notwithstanding the frequent torrents of rain, drains have been clogged and fresh puddles of water are constantly formed in and around the gardens, creating opportunities for mosquitoes to breed and lay their eggs. And that likely included the lush garden around our own home.

Introduction

Aedes Aegypti (Image source: Decoded Science)

What the rains also tend to do is that they upset the mosquitoes’ habitat, driving them into our homes where they persistently attack humans. In our case, that would also include our two little 16-month-old girls who are particularly vulnerable given their age. In our homes, mosquitoes would like find solace in darkish areas, normally hidden out of sight. 

Our defence against these bloodsuckers (which is exactly what they are!) has been compromised by what we can and cannot use since they may be dangerous in the presence of the little ones. Essentially we limit their time in the garden but my wife, being physically very active, tends to her garden where she also has a little veggie patch. It’s likely that she got bitten around there.

With the onset of dengue fever, my wife suffered through the first days with high fever touching 40 degrees Celsius (equiv 104^o F) and then her body having spells of cold and hot. Her fear that she might have contracted dengue fever was confirmed when we had her tested at the hospital but because she felt needed at home, she chose not to be warded.

With dengue fever, the key thing is plenty of rest, lots of fluids and no exertions. There’s neither an antidote nor any kinds of medication for it. Other than paracetamol to ease up on the symptomatic discomfort, dealing with dengue fever could actually be done at home so long as you are aware of the warning signs. One of the key issues to monitor with dengue fever is of course the progressively declining level of platelets that only a screening blood test can tell. In her case, the number was obviously decreasing.

Hardly a day later, she had no choice but to be admitted. The fever in her head was burning her up and she had gotten to a level of discomfort that she could no longer handle. Although staying in the hospital was the obvious priority for her that left us in a serious quandary – the little twins. We’re a small family with just my wife and I, the twins and my octogenarian father who himself has fairly significant medical issues to deal with.

My mom passed away around the time my twins were born while my one and only elder brother – I have no sisters – lives in Melbourne and basically works non-stop. There’s no chance of him coming over to help and even if he could, it’s limited what he could do. My mother-in-law is hamstrung by her own work commitments and live interstate, making it impossible to drop by. As for friends, we have but they too have their own hands tied to some extent. What this meant was that I, the daddy, would be on my own to handle the two kids.

Facing the inevitable doubters

I guess it’s fair to say that no one – including my wife – held out much hope that I could handle the two. My wife was so concerned whether or not I could cope and kept asking the same rhetorical question. And I’d always answered, “I may or may not but I leave it to God to help me. I’m sure I’ll be alright.” It’s not exactly a very ‘reassuring’ response to most people but that was the only honest answer worth giving whether or not people found it acceptable.

Looking at my past, I’ve always had that experience that things click into place when the pressure was on. And over the years, it became obvious to me that the title of Billy Ocean’s 1985 hit song needed to be changed to ‘When the Going Gets Tough, God Takes Over.’ The part that used to say, ‘the Tough Get Going’ just didn’t chime anymore once I felt the Lord’s hand in the predicaments I’ve found myself in. It didn’t matter whether or not I had the necessary experience to deal with whatever mess I faced, the fact was that somehow I would know precisely what to do.

And so in the end, it didn’t matter what anyone thought. The facts were on the table. My wife is going to be in the hospital for no less than three to four days and in that time, the kids would be in my hands. Nothing was going to change that. Come rain or shine, I’m the first and last stop. Any help from my dad was going to be minimal. At his age, there wasn’t much he could offer other than to try and help keep the kids at bay while in the car. Other than that, it was all moi.

I did get offers to help and I took whatever I could as and when I realised I had no other viable option. My previous pastor helped take my dad for his periodic blood transfusion at the hospital and back. That really helped and I was grateful. The kids’ godmother – with her sister in town for the week – added the convenience of doing some sundry shopping for us. There was another afternoon when the god-grandparents came by with lunch and that, too, proved invaluable.

All in all, help whenever it was available, was always appreciated. Given the size of our family, we don’t have the luxury of turning people down especially when we’re so seriously shorthanded. But on the other hand, it’s not always easy to accept help from others. It wasn’t something I was accustomed to and so when I was faced with such genuine offers to lend a helping hand, I felt somewhere in my heart a warm glow. It was a part of my heart I never knew existed and by them touching it, it was a humbling experience to have felt it.

The test arrives

Image source: Daily Mail

After a quick verbal guide as to where everything was and what to and not to do, the usual schedules and precautions, it was time for my wife to leave everything to me. The first day we left my wife in her one-bedded ward was also not the easiest. There were so many doubts that I could deal with things at home. If it were one kid, it wouldn’t be too difficult. It might still be a bit of a trial but overall, it would still be only one child. Having twins was a completely different ballgame and at 16 months old, they had become little Usain Bolts all over the house. In other words, just turning away for a split second at the wrong instant could prove disastrous. 

The drive home from the hospital was an introduction of sorts of what laid ahead for this green-horned daddy. Still, we managed to get home in one piece although I suspected my dad was completely ragged, trying to handle them not climbing over everywhere. If you’re wondering where the baby seats were, we have them but had no real opportunity to mount them in the backseats for space reasons. With both seats installed, only one occupant could sit at the front with me as the driver, meaning that either my wife or my dad would have to be left out.

That night, we bought Chinese takeaway from a nearby restaurant before heading home. Dinner that night was of course different for this was the first time I fed the kids on my own. Getting through that was an encouraging sign and following that, came bath time, then their usual milk before heading to sleep. And in all of that, nothing disastrous happened. Everything was smooth sailing. The kids went to sleep without the usual tantrums and interestingly, they did not need the patting normally required to get them into a fitting lull.

The next few days were the same. Whether it was bathing or feeding them, the kids were extraordinarily well behaved. Getting them to have their naps was hardly problematic. And at nights when one or the other would usually get up with a start and begin crying, nothing happened over the next few days. Even when I had to simultaneously coordinate multiple tasks, everything went well, which was pleasantly odd because normally, one or both of them would wail once either my wife or I leave the room. In fact whatever I did, neither kid whined or cried.  

The way things went was hardly believable to anyone who were familiar with my kids’ hyperactivity. What I experienced was completely unexpected. Of course it was not all cruising. The kids were still difficult to contain in a moving car because one or both liked to work her way to the front for my attention while I was driving, which, to say the least, was dangerous. Once they’re at the front, there was no way for my father to be able to hold them down. Invariably I had to drive with my left arm stretched across to prevent them from lunging forward while I stay focused on traffic at the front and occasionally checking the mirrors. It wasn’t easy but we got through the day that way for these days.

In the nights while the kids were soundly asleep, it was time to catch up with housework, which normally takes a few hours moseying in the kitchen, feeding our two famished dogs and getting the garbage ready for the collectors the next morning. It would have been a big problem had either of the kids got up suddenly and cry. Miraculously, that didn’t happen at all.

Fatherhood redefined

Image source: What Will Matter

Being a daddy for the first time last year was an amazing and indescribable feeling. Notwithstanding the fact that I didn’t think that was going to be likely, embracing it has been a revelation. I don’t know of any other instance in my life that held greater meaning (other than getting married). I suppose if I think about it, watching the twins grow over the next many months was equally incredible. 

At a height of 2.7kg, each of the twins measured merely an arm’s length in ‘height’ but in sixteen months, both grew. Today at more than 10kgs each, they are already a handful to cope, an occasional burden to carry in my arms and a periodic nightmare trying to figure out why they’re crying.

Yet for all of this, fatherhood has been unlike anything else in my life. And in the days when my wife was in hospital, that experience had become even more special. Being compelled to care for them in the most literal sense reshaped my relationship with them. I drew closer and even more able to feel them under the skin. 

Holding them in my arms, I seemed to be able to better understand their emotional needs even more so. Before, I was a loving daddy, looking at them from afar with deep affection. It was simple but already special. It was a beautiful thing just to gaze at them, to study their every nuance and action and to cherish every moment as best as possible.

With my wife temporarily unavailable, fatherhood took a turn and became an uncertain quality only because I had doubts over what I could do. Even if I didn’t, those around me had cast more than enough doubts anyway! 

But soon, those doubts vanished when I was called to action. It was as if doubting brought no benefit or that maybe I had nothing to lose but when things began to look very different from where I stood, I could only sense the awe of a truly wonderful Father from whom my instincts were born from.

Learning from the real Father

Image source: Huff Post

In his letter to the Ephesians, the apostle Paul was praying:

“When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth.” (Eph 3:14-15, NLT)

Here’s the key to Paul’s prayer where he says, “the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth.” In the NIV translation, it is probably more poignant:

“For this reason, I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name.” (ditto, NIV)

God, our Father is the Creator of everything living in heaven and on earth. He is the Father from whom all fathers are thus called since the birth of time. 

As John Stott puts it, the phrase is, “the Father from whom all fatherhood is named.” In other words, the state and very nature of what it is to be a father comes from God Himself. He is the progenitor, the archetype and the pioneer from whom we take our cues:

“As you endure this divine discipline, remember that God is treating you as His own children. Whoever heard of a child who is never disciplined by its father? If God doesn’t discipline you as He does all of His children, it means that you are illegitimate and are not really His children at all. Since we respected our earthly fathers who disciplined us, shouldn’t we submit even more to the discipline of the Father of our spirits and live forever? For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God’s discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in His holiness.” (Heb 12:7-10, NLT)

In the verses from Hebrews above, the point is very clear; that we ultimately learn fatherhood from the one Father of all Fatherhoods. Everything we know that we think is instinctive comes from Him. He planted the seed for all growth and maturity in each of us so that they may sprout at the right time and bear fruit for us that then bring glory to Him who planned all of this well in advance. In that moment of need when we’re put to trial, this seed of fatherhood that God instil in His children brings forth remarkable wisdom that we know did not derive from us.

For those of us who are fathers for the first time, this fact is all too obvious. None of us are ever prepared to be a father. None of us have lessons in fatherhood where we can attend and learn from ‘experts.’ And for all the motivational books we can read, what we learn is at best, theory that works for some but might not for everyone. The only ‘theory’ that truly works come from the one true Father who is our Creator in the first place.

God’s nine generosities

Douglas Wilson (Image source: YouTube)

In his book called ‘Father Hunger: Why God Calls Men to Love and Lead Their Families’ (Wilson, 2012), the author Douglas Wilson dedicates one whole chapter to fully understanding the implication of the Father-and-Son relationship epitomised by the Gospel of John. Here, he goes verse by verse to highlight the very qualities that define what this relationship is underpinned by. Of all of them, Wilson talks about God’s generosity in the following ways:

With His glory

“So the Word became human and made His home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. And we have seen His glory, the glory of the Father’s One and only Son.” (Jn 1:14, NLT)

The climax of John’s Gospel is the amazing manner in which he brings Jesus into the picture. He calls Him the Word and by doing so, he made the first chapter of His Gospel one of the most – some say the most – powerful and poetically meaningful part of Scripture. He introduces Jesus by exalting His humanness amidst His undeniable divine royalty. 

This is the verse that defines the story of Christmas on that very first morning without which, there is only meaninglessness. Here, John describes something that truly took place over 2,000 years ago and how its relevance has not been lost to us today. His generosity with His glory has no parallel.

With His tasks

“So the Jewish leaders tried all the harder to find a way to kill Him. For He not only broke the Sabbath, He called God His Father, thereby making Himself equal with God.” (Jn 5:18, NLT)

Jesus did heal the lame man on the Sabbath and commanded him to take up His pallet and walk. It was in His right to do because He is sovereign but to the Jews, He broke the Sabbath or to be more precise, He broke the Jews’ erroneous idea of what Sabbath was supposed to be. 

To Jesus, theirs was not the real Sabbath. John also says here that Jesus calls God His own Father, which makes Him the equal of the Lord. There are two crucial comments here – firstly that the Jews erred in their claim and secondly, that Jesus has made the claim of His divinity. And in them, God’s generosity is seen in the task He has laid out for His Son to fulfil.

With His protection

“I give them eternal life and they will never perish. No one can snatch them away from Me, for My Father has given them to Me and He is more powerful than anyone else. No one can snatch them from the Father’s hand. The Father and I are One.” Once again the people picked up stones to kill Him. Jesus said, ‘At My Father’s direction, I have done many good works. For which one are you going to stone Me?” (Jn 10:28-32, NLT)

Only our Lord God can make such a promise. Even though Jesus had offered the Pharisees the opportunity to see something they have been blind to, it ultimately meant nothing for Christ’s sovereignty had no worth to those who cannot see it. To them, His promise of protection had no local standi for them to act before the Roman Tribune. 

God’s generosity with His promise of protection is central to our faith and it can neither be removed by anyone nor swapped for something else. No one can take away from us what God has promised, which is His love and assurance. Even if we turn away from the truth and be embroiled in sin but able to later overcome, that sovereign right of choice that God offers is never taken away from us.

With His Kingdom

“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God and trust also in Me. There is more than enough room in My Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you?” (Jn 14:1-2, NLT)

The above verses are some of the most beautiful and reassuring that we read in the Bible and its meaning is not lost on the faithful among us. God’s promises number many in Scripture and in each of them, they are either fulfilled or will be in the future. For instance, He promised His people a land of milk and honey and although it took a while, it was delivered. He promised a Messiah would come and that too was fulfilled more than 2,000 years ago. 

And now God promises that the same Messiah will return once more at an appointed time where we will be with Him for eternity and it, too, will be fulfilled. In His generosity with His Kingdom, He only asks that we trust in Him.

With His joy

“At that time, you won’t need to ask Me for anything. I tell you the truth, you will ask the Father directly and He will grant your request because you use My Name. You haven’t done this before, Ask, using My Name and you will receive and you will have abundant joy.” (Jn 16:23-24, NLT)

At the time to come when Jesus would meet His death, the dynamics would change for His disciples because His physical presence would be no more. It is then that He allayed their fears with the truth that they can pray to the Father in His Name and the promise of abundant joy will be there for them to receive. There was no need to ask any worrying questions (Jn 13:36, 14:5, 14:8, 14:22, 16:18) for everything would be possible through prayer to the Father who would give it to us so long as it is done in the Name of the Son. 

In all our petitions to the Father, Jesus’ Name can neither be ambiguous nor be ignored for to love the praise of men in deference to Him would be fatal even among us today. Yet when we ask the Father in obedience to Jesus’ command, He will be generous with His joyousness.

With what He gives

“For He is sent by God. He speaks God’s words, for God gives Him the Spirit without limit. The Father loves His Son and has put everything into His hands. And anyone who believes in God’s Son has eternal life. Anyone who doesn’t obey the Son will never experience eternal life but remains under God’s angry judgement.” (Jn 3:34-36, NLT)

In John the Baptist’s statement of what he had seen and heard, the message as that following the descent of the dove (1:33), Jesus has received a measureless gift of the Spirit and by its fullest possession, He has truly spoken the words of God not just in some manifestation but in its wholesome extent. He was, in other words, the flawless embodiment of the Holy Spirit, which isn’t quite the same for us who merely attain ‘an earnest’ of it. 

The Father’s proclamation that, “This is my dearly loved Son, who brings Me great joy,” (Mt 3:17) is His confirmation of who Jesus was in counteracting the disciples who might still be in doubt especially after it was said that He had given all things unto the hands of the Son, that in Him, Jesus, is eternal life and that whomsoever obeys Him will receive what He gives so generously.

His sacrifice (of His Son)

“For this is how God loved the world: He gave His One and only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life.” (Jn 3:16, NLT)

Also: “But Jesus said to Peter, ‘Put your sword back into its sheath. Shall I not drink from the cup of suffering the Father has given Me?” (Jn 18:11, NLT)

God’s ultimate generosity to us is in the sacrifice of His Son for this generosity is equated fully in His unremitting love for those who love Him. This love may be indescribable to us but it compelled God to act sacrificially by giving His only begotten Son to die. It is also important to note from the verse that the world was already headed for ruination in which those who choose not to believe in His Son would face everlasting destruction and once that happens, there will be no rescue plan in sight to reverse it. 

That rescue plan – called Salvation – can only happen by the Father giving His Son to die so that we may be saved. There is, in other words, no redemption possible otherwise for this sin is so abhorrent to God that atonement could not be possible without the ultimate sacrifice of having His Son to die. This sacrifice speaks of what only God can do.

The offering of His Spirit

“And I will ask the Father and He will give you another Advocate who will never leave you. He is the Holy Spirit who leads into all truth. The world cannot receive Him because it isn’t looking for Him and doesn’t recognise Him. But you know Him because He lives with you now and later will be in you.” (Jn 14:16-17, NLT)

In the first of five instances that the Paraclete – or Advocate, Comforter or Counsellor – that John mentions in his Gospel, this one affirms a few things. 

Firstly, the Holy Spirit will come just as much because Jesus prayed to the Father in request as He Himself sent for it. 

Secondly, the word ‘another’ suggests without a doubt that Jesus Himself is an Advocate but here, He prepares His disciples for another for He was due to depart to the Father. 

Thirdly, unlike His all-too-brief ministry, this Advocate would be with us co-existentially. However, He will begin by living with us before He then lives in us. 

Fourthly, the role of the Advocate is to lead us to nothing but all truths. 

Fifthly, He is not for everyone. He will not indwell in those who neither seek nor recognise Him. 

In other words, as Jesus leaves to be with the Father, He generously offers another Advocate to be with and in us as a guide and not to harm us.

The offering of Himself

“Judas (not Judas Iscariot but the other disciple with that name) said to Him, ‘Lord, why are You going to reveal Yourself only to us and not to the world at large?’ Jesus replied, ‘All who love Me will do what I say. My Father will love them and We will come and make Our home with each of them. Anyone who doesn’t love Me will not obey Me. And remember, My words are not My own. What I am telling you is from the Father who sent Me.” (Jn 14:22-24, NLT)

This verse identifies Judas as the son of James, also called, Thaddeus (Mt 10:13, Mk 3:18) asking Jesus the question of His unveiling with the misconceived understanding that He would be that ‘over-dominant, superlative earthly king’ who would come and conquer our enemies. Yet in His reply, Thaddeus’ misconception, shared by many if not all of the disciples, is of little interest to Jesus. 

Instead, He was (and still is) interested in saving men’s souls. The interesting verse here is verse 24 because it’s the first double-negative clause in which Jesus essentially says that those who have no love for Him won’t obey Him as well. In offering Himself to serve others, He needed His disciples to realise that whatever they have heard from Him are actually those of His Father’s. 

At any rate, even as they fail to understand the very nature of the Kingdom of Christ, all would be made clear after Pentecost.

When we understand and appreciate how generous the Father is, we can then realise with great gratitude and affection the seed of fatherhood that He has implanted in us. With this precious seed comes a stirring reminder of who He is to us and why we worship Him in Spirit and in truth. God seeks those who are truly worshipful among us to eventually become like He is. In other words, because He is holy, so must we, as God inspired Moses to recount:

“You must be holy because I, the Lord, am holy. I have set you apart from all other people to be My very own.” (Lev 20:26, NLT)

The Apostle Peter (Image source: The Biblical Archaeological Society Library)

Even more so, the apostle Peter in his first letter to his Jewish Christian audience, says it in a more revealing manner:

“So prepare your minds for action and exercise self-control. Put all your hope in the gracious salvation that will come to you when Jesus Christ is revealed to the world. So you must live as God’s obedient children. Don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn’t know any better then. But now you must be holy in everything you do just as God who chose you is holy. For the Scriptures say, ‘You must be holy because I am holy.’” (1 Pt 1:13-16, NLT)

The challenge for us fathers – especially new ones – is to ask back ourselves how we like our children to remember us by when they grow up. I’m beginning to feel that the more I understand Fatherhood from the greatest of all fathers, the more convinced I am that, the word could be ‘generous.’

Ten daddy values

Image source: Karen Balbaa Photography

As I look back at that week and wonder who I turned into in order to be the person I needed to be for my little twins, I reflect back on everything I know about being a father. I draw my lessons and experiences from my own relationship with my own father as well as what I can see in the father-and-child relationships of my closest friends.

Fathers can be everything to their children. Some say the father-and-son relationship is everything but I could say just the same between my little girls and I. Though they still cannot talk, the instinctiveness of who they are to me and who I am to them is miraculous. They are only seventeen months old and yet they do understand who I am. 

When one cries in despair, she knows to run to either her mommy or me. When some stranger coaxes one of the twins so that she could carry her, she looks back at me, wanting me instead. When she gets out of the car, she lifts both her arms because she wants me in the safety of my care. Even when they’re asleep with us, one of them will instinctively crawl next to me and tuck herself under my arm or next to my leg.

My relationship with my little girls isn’t based on verbal communication because that hasn’t begun and that’s what makes it unique, special and very powerful. The ability to say ‘I love you’ or ‘I need you’ or even ‘I really want you’ doesn’t need any narrative. For them, it’s in their eyes, their facial expressions and how they physically articulate their body actions so that we may respond in kind. Just as they attempt to tell us how they feel, I in turn reciprocate with my own communicability.

When I hug them, it’s not just a function of carrying but a means of telling them how much they mean to me. When I hug them, I take in their smell. I breathe in their skin and hair. I go as close as I can for every notion of touching them is like a tingling and invigorating spark to me. When I hold their hands and walk with them, I do so with a level of passion all the time. When they cry, I come to them with the promise of assurance that everything will be fine. 

The protective instinct we learn from our Father kicks in and takes over. When we wake up in the middle of the night to attend to their crying, we do so with the love of sacrifice that the Father inspires in us with His. We know we’ll be tired in the morning but if we can help the kids to sleep on peacefully, we are contended.

And with all of this, I often ask myself what kind of daddy I truly want to be for my twins. I think the ten daddy values we’ll see next week might be at the top of my wish list.

Second and final part appears next week on Sunday, April 23 2017.